Afraid to be Happy
by MoonlessGalaxy
Summary: Divergent one-shot. Fourtris. Trigger warning, cutting. Someone please help me think of a summary... M just in case. Please tell me if it is not an M!


Disclaimer: _I do not own Divergent_

Warning: Possible trigger

Afraid To Be Happy

I stare at myself in the mirror. A pale, ghostly hand passes over my eyes and stays there. The cold, clammy skin on my forehead is brushed by my thumb. My other hand grips the chilled sink tightly. I bite into my lip hard. There's nothing I can do. Just pretend. Pretend and put a mask on my face. One mask of many.

I rush out the bathroom, stomach queasy. My head is turned so I don't have to see the shame. The shame I always have when I look in the mirror. I slowly crouch down on the floor next to my bed. Reaching my hand out, I grab a vivid red box, done up in matching ribbon.

" _Dear Tris,_

 _Happy birthday. I hope you like the present! I wasn't sure of what to get you so I asked around Dauntless._

 _Caleb."_

With trembling fingers, I slide the ribbon off the present. I hadn't opened it since… since he left. I'd promised myself I wouldn't do it again. Not ever. But here I am.

I grip the gift tighter, my fingers turning paler than usual. The lid slides off easily and reveals the gleaming promise of self-hate. Delving into the box, my fingers curl around a handle. I pull it out, staring keenly at the blade. I run my thumb along the edge gently, not hard enough to draw blood. Just testing to make sure it's still sharp. Even though it hasn't been used in days, weeks, months. Not since he left.

I breathe deeply. In, out. In, out.

What am I doing? Am I willing to go this far? What will they think of me? What will _he_ think of me?

 _He_ is not here anymore. _He_ can't stop me this time.

I wring my hands, gathering my minute courage. I could just jump. Jump off the chasm. I'd be gone before anyone knew. But deep down in me, there's a perverted hope, a twisted dream that someone will remember me. The _he_ 'll remember me.

That _he_ 'll save me from myself.

I wait for a knock on the door, a desperate scream telling me to stop. But no one is here. No one remembers me. I'm just the ghost girl. Here and gone before you know it. Barely enough to catch a fleeting glance.

Not enough to see the scars.

I drop the knife. I clutch my head in my hands, screaming. My eyes, wide and feral, dart around the room. In a feverish move, I grab the weapon. In one long slice, I raise my eyes to the heavens.

1.

No one truly realises how beautiful it is. The crimson liquid, escaping in beads. Gleaming in the faint light, it's ethereal.

2.

They just wipe it away. For them, it's bad. But this… this is unbearably perfect.

3.

" _Why can't you realise you're perfect?" a voice screams._

4.

" _Why can't you look in that mirror and see yourself as who you really are?"_

5.

" _Because I see myself exactly as I am."_

6.

" _Then what do I see?"_

7.

" _A delusion."_

8.

" _An image."_

9.

" _An illusion._

10 _._

" _A mask."_

The knife drops. My body slumps. Drip, drip, drip. Cream carpet. Crimson carpet. Tears rolling. Body shaking. Consciousness leaving. Sight fading. Blood flowing. Breaths slowing. Life stopping.

"I told you not to do this," A voice reprimands me softly, "I told you I'd come back."

"T-Tobias?" I slur. Could it – Is it?

"Yep, Bea. I came back."

"Why?"

"I promised."

"And… that's the only reason why?" I can feel my heart breaking even further.

"No, Bea."

"T-Then, why?"

"Because I love you."

A small tear leaks out of my eye at that. I doubted him for so long. And he had to come back… to this. To me, on the floor, bleeding. To me, a mess.

"Why, Bea?" he asks softly.

"W-why what?" my voice is getting even more incoherent.

"Why did you – you use that knife?" his voice is thick with emotion.

"I had no one."

It's half the truth. There were more reasons, but that one came to mind.

"You would have had me – "

"You left me."

"For a reason!"

"It killed me. I couldn't be happy. Three whole years, Tobias. Three years I was waiting. I tried. But the happiness just drained out."

"Why can't you be happy?" he whispers.

"I think I'm afraid to be happy because every time I get too happy, something bad always happens."

* * *

Hello! So here's a little one-shot that came to me from an image on the internet when I was looking for song-inspiration. Hope you like it, please review and tell me what you think! Even if you hate it...

Thanks,

MG


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